He’s not finished with me yet…

What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs
through which He revealed His glory; and His disciples believed in Him.
John 2:11

My amazing friend & sister Sarah just sent me this verse over a text message today.

She didn’t know I have been super down in the dumps and feeling overwhelmed and stressed about my life the past few days. (Hence why I haven’t written…) I got sick with a cold and discomfort in my ears yesterday (which really isn’t the end of the world, but I tend to get really disappointed when I get sick).

I was sick most of the past year and a half with migraines. In and out of hospitals, a slew of different doctors weighing possible diagnoses, scary and painful medical testing, blood tests, IVs, trips to the ER, a week long dose of morphine on a hospital bed, pill after pill…. I couldn’t go out in the sunlight or watch TV even on the lowest lighting for a given number of weeks. All I could do was sleep. I was terrified I had a brain tumor. I was depressed. I was probably the most sick fear. I was afraid of getting them each day and afraid to get my hopes up on doing things… how to even just live in a day. I had to drop out of school because of my pain. I needed to heal. I have been at home since helping my mother who is battling cancer and helping my family (both my new family with Stephen and my parents/brother), which of course, is good for the family. I like to help and be here.

But when it comes to me, when it comes to Courtney, I have no idea where I want to go with my life.

I have no idea what I want to do, what I should do, what to do.

And it scares me.

Career? School? Children? Ministry?
What? Where? How? Why?

HELP!!!!

JESUS!!!

HELP!!!!

has been my prayer.

I have often cried and cried until my tear ducts feel dry. My strength has felt like that of a chihuahua against a pitbull. I have been so weary and tired, unsure and unstable about my next move… I know God will help me and guide me, but what step do I take and when? How do I do it? And where? It has been a chaotic mess in my mind.

Stephen can testify how often I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. I have been living halfway sewn the past couple years.

The easiest decision of my life was choosing Jesus Christ.
The second easiest was choosing to marry Stephen.
I stayed and am staying so sure in those decisions.
Easiest and best decisions of my life.

Though along the way, not much has been easy.

Dying to the self for Christ feels like a killer more often than not.
Recognizing Him all the time is really, really hard.
Stephen’s and my engagement was a brutally hard time.
Having faith to follow God’s calling for us wasn’t always peaches and cream.
But still, best decisions of my life.

Jesus and my husband have been my everything in terms of prayer and longings.
Now I have them both, and I have no idea what to do next.
Why is it so terrifying?

Maybe I need to do more of this dying to the self.

Maybe any step should always start with a falling to the knees…

Remembering that I am His and He loves me.
And maybe it is just growing pains.
Maybe this is all part of growing up.
I am, afterall, His daughter.. His child.. His baby girl.

So today, when Sarah sent me that verse in John 2, it reminded me…

He isn’t done working His miracles yet.

I am one of His miracles (since being alive is a miracle in and of itself).
So therefore, He isn’t done with me yet.

And it filled me with
hope.

If my husband always makes sure to finish his milk…
how much more will the greatest Husband of all make sure to finish what He started?

How much more faithful will He be to His people?
How many more miracles will He pursue and complete?

One thing is for sure…
He will never forsake or leave us.
He isn’t finished with the miracle He started in me.

He isn’t finished with the miracle He started with you either.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post from Max Lucado’s “Facing Your Giants” book:

“see God’s failures as His projects.”

Maybe I should look at myself that way too.
Maybe I am not a failure.
Maybe I really am okay.

And you know what,
maybe you are too.

“What Jesus did in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which He revealed His glory; and His disciples believed in Him.”
John 2:11

I believe in You too, my precious Lord Jesus.

beloved_bride

“being confident in this…
that He who began a good work in you [me]
will be faithful to carry it to completion
until the day of our Lord Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6

For further encouragement, check out this song by Brandon Heath.
He nails it.

“there is hope for me yet
because God, won’t forget
all the plans He’s made for me
I have to wait and see…
He’s not finished with me yet.”

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